Amateur Surgeon
by Crazy Dewfus
Summary: Ponies are like machines... right? This is what happens when a maintenance pony has to play doctor.


_He hides the the shadows, the silent hero that every place needs. Everytime a hole gets patched, a toilet cleaned, a lightbulb replaced… Thank Maintenace._

I remember alot about that day. Why did they do that? Who organizes such an event that requires every single doctor from the city? I guess it doesn't matter, I got paid so much extra that day. Damn, should've been a doctor.

My name is Crazy Dewfus, and I work maintenance at Canterlot General Hospital. This is the home of the unsung heros that are overshadowed by the Elements. I swear, Heartstopper can build a pony out of scraps if she wished (scary).

As for me, I'm a very dirty green pegasus stallion with a dirty red and dirty blue mane and tail. Why am I Dewfus? T'was a joke. It stuck. I'm skinny, and don't have the 'physical requirements' to be a doctor. But everytime I look at the wrench and mop on my flank, I'm reminded how happy I was with my job.

Except the one day where I was a doctor.

It's quiet.

I opened the door to my 'office', which was really a large supply room.

Too quiet…

I started to wander the halls, not even a heart monitor beeping. I shook. This.. is scary. Part of me wanted to catch up on some work and the other part wanted to take the day off. But every part was screaming for an answer.

I checked the receptionist's computer. Shut off. So I took the elevator to the offices. Heartstopper's computer, off. Ivy's computer, off. Wait… I reached for the keyring I had. Because of course, I had the MASTER KEY! Sticking it into Ivy's file cabinet I turned and unlocked it, making a slightly alarming sound. I love this key. Damn unicorns can make anything with their magics.

 _ **BOOM**_

The cabinet drawer slammed my muzzle as too many papers flew out of it. She kept so many that the cabinet was starting to break. After scrambling to my hooves, I decided to back up slowly and exit the room. I was never going to find a single hard copy in that mess.. even if they were dated properly (oh god shes gonna kill me for this mess).

Closing and locking the door was easy enough, but keeping my cool took a few. Where was everypony… I bet it was a meeting. Had to be; wasn't a snow day for sure. Back down the elevator and out to the ER. Thats when I saw it.

*Flicker flicker*

Hello faulty fluorescent tube. Prepare to meet your match! It only flickered in response. "Don't worry, I'll put you down nice and quick."

Returning with the step ladder, I propped it up under the light. Equipped with a replacement, I climbed.

Then it went to hell.

" _Unit-3515 to Canterlot General. Incoming large earth pony mare with foreleg injury.. heavy bleeding. Do you copy?"_

Ah, dispatch. Whenever they came over the radio a pony was being rushed via ambulance. I ignored it, as it was the doctor's' problem.

" _Canterlot General, do you copy?"_

Wait.. I'm the only one here… Well fuck. I got down off my ladder and picked up the mic, but didn't press the button. 'mon Dew, have some balls.. "Yes, I copy."

Silence. _"We're about five minutes away. Copy."_

Shit. Shit shit shit shit. I don't know how to doctor! I patch together walls, not ponies! I..prepped a bay for this patient the best I could. Bandages… blood clot stuff.. Yeah, sounds good.

I've watched the docs work lots of times before being shooed away by Red Cross. Ok, time to panic. I was about to let this pony die because I was not a doc.

I took a trip back to my office and grabbed my lab coat off of the hangar. I had worn it for a costume one year, and never got around to taking it home. It still fit. I put it on, but it didn't seem enough.. ah! My id tag! Now I look like a doctor! I feel professional already!

Back in the ER the paramedics rushed the patient over to the bay I hastily prepared. She was indeed big.. a big gray mare with a silver and pink mane.

Then they turned to me. These medics knew the staff somewhat, at least their looks. So they looked shocked when they saw I was the only one there. Not breaking eye contact I walked over to her and gave her a look over. My outfit must've worked because one of the paramedics started telling me about this knocked-out mare.

"She was shot in the left foreleg here, alot." No shit. It didn't count as a leg anymore though. "We presume a shotgun. Seems she was trying to break up a gang war." What an idiot. "Her significant other will be here shorty." Just what I need..

They took off shortly after she was transferred to the bed, which was too bad because they could've meant the difference between black and white to this pony.

My backseat instinct kicked in as I stared at her. Her cutiemark was three rocks. My gut churned. Something here didn't add up.

Yes! After much sweat and blood (hers though) I managed to get the IV set up as well as all of the other monitoring equipment. Did I mention I'm not a doctor? I'm not a doctor. Now I was able to look at the grizly injury.

The 'leg' was minced and grinded by many pellets of buckshot. The sight didn't bother me too much, but the smell.. I gagged. After I stopped gagging, I was able to come to the conclusion that it would need to be amputated. And even I could tell it didn't take a doctor to be able to tell that.

It seems her companion got here, as I heard actual hoofsteps. And it wasn't a doctor. Of course it wasn't another doctor! Wow… she was tall. And in a long dress. And did I mention tall? I can't remember. Shes tall.

"Is she going to be alright?"

Probably not. "Yes, but she'll need a replacement." Truth right there. Exept the yes. "I'll be right back"

One of the reasons that hospitals have multiple doctors is so that one can always tend to a patient if they code. I was on my own. What to do.. I didn't want her to get the vibe that I had no fucking clue what I was doing. That gray mare needed a new limb and..

Maintenance instinct kicked in. It so happened I had a robo limb that I was working on in my office. Hopefully it wouldn't cause sepsis.. Looking at the device, I determined it was about the right size. It was made in three sections like an actual hoof. Each section was three rods joined at each end, with pneumatic servos as the joins. At the shoulder were wires that attached to the nerves that usually connected to the actual leg.

This was a dirty robot leg.

An hour later I was suited up in surgeons' gear (did I mention that the master key was awesome?) and standing outside the ER. The patient's companion helped me gather what I needed for the operation. With extra blood, because I knew I was going to fuck up. "Alright, I'm headed in. Sorry about being short staffed." The mare in the dress had no idea.

"Its.. fine. Do you need anything else?"

I looked into her eyes. "A damn good lawyer." A pretty fucking damn good lawyer. She giggled. Of could she giggled.

After closing the door, I started the operation. I never been in here, so I had no idea what to do. Fuck. Ok, don't panic. Remove the limb. Oh Celestia it looked like she was looking at me.

About halfway through, the staring was getting really creepy. I waved a hoof in front of her face. She couldn't be awake.

Her eyes followed, and I **turned on the gas.**

I continued the butchering.

The operation was.. a success? I met with her and her companion, though the gray mare wasn't awake yet. "I've done all I can do."

"Will she be able to use that limb like a normal one?" There was a mixture of hope and worry in her voice.

"I hope so"

"You hope? You aren't sure?"

"I don't know." I started to leave the room.

She started crying and yelling at me. "What kind of doctor are you?!"

"I'm not a doctor. I'm… the janitor." The look on her face was priceless.

Down in the ER I felt dizzy as I looked over to the bloody floor and trauma bay. Did I really operate on a pony? And she didn't die? This… is … I'm so.. lucky. "HAHAHA! HOLY FUCK!"I couldn't help but laugh hysterically! This will make the news! I'm probably going to prison, but wow! I'm an amateur doctor! All I need is a fucking pizza cutter!

All at once the staff returned and stared at the janitor in the bloody lab coat. Then slowly shifted their gaze to the bloody surroundings. It hit me how much I was in trouble and how this was the dumbest idea I ever had.

Doctor Heartstopper was the first to talk. And the last one I heard.

"All this time and you didn't replace the light? Wow."

I was told I lost it. It was too blurry…

 _Fin._

Ok, I know this is short, but I'd like to explain. How I come up with these is through daydreaming. Some stories are lost because I stopped dreaming about them. This one was not thought about enough. I looked at my tablet and was like "I'm going to hammer out a one shot. Why the fuck not?" I may not ever come back and update it. I also have to cut this short due to time restraints.


End file.
